REPORT FROM THE PUNKGRIND FRONT

first i will set the scene. we are in a walk up studio in oakland. the only piece of furniture is a bookcase. the drum set is against one wall. the leader singer, beerman, is in front. to his right, the hero of this story, the faithful axman james aka moose. 123 the music starts hard and fast. almost instantly a small mosh pit forms near the "kitchen." moose slashes on driving the tune forward. like an errant atom in a particle accelerator, one of the kids kareens off the mosh pit and slams into james. he takes the hit well but stumbles backwards, tripping on a small amp. he falls, almost in slow motion. his hands have an assignment and they never stop. grind on good soldiers! his ass finds a home on top of an amp and hands reach out to help him up, but he grinds on, finishing the song sprawled among the equipment. kushgrinder triumphs.

THE PERFECT LAP DANCE


 perfect is really such a bullshit word when it comes to some thins awesome but also subjective as a lap dance. that being said, let me tell you about a lap dance i got at a little place in long island. of course she was beautiful and had crazy skills   when my cousin dropped the 20 that got us into the backroom, i was living large. she sat me in my comfy chair and i was king. then the music started and she moved in on me like a cat to a mouse. when she was inches from me, she flicked her head and her hair covered my face and neck. each strand was the softest snake. they crawled across me--one even taking a moment to poke its head in my ear. with the next hair wave came a special surprise. with the flick, the snakes were thrown on my belly where they immediately sprinted towards my face. as the wave crested my face, a tiny jewel was born. a hard nipple landed on my lower lip and stumbled across it, not appearing long enough to be caught by a nibble. the next hair wave brought a continent of taught flesh and muscle--her body. her nipple had been a great opening show, but this was the main event. have you seen the big movies where alien craft hover over major cities? so she hovered above me. but she came close enough to terra firma that my timid lips could reach out and steal a small kiss. and again her body slid along my face, and on this pass, i allowed my teeth to take the gentlest of nibbles. all the time, i am afraid the no neck behind the cigar smoke is going to come over and kick my ass for touching the talent

MY MOST DISSAPOINTING ROMANTIC MOMENT ( OTHER THAN THE FLUBBED 3 WAY)

a hot summer day in the south. riding around in my electric blue mgb convertible with my high school love--a beautiful beautiful young woman with long thick blonde hair blowing in the wind. her eyes were a subtle brown, but very strong. at the same moment, a light warm rain started and the van morrison song "brown-eyed girl" came on. as van morrison crooned, "riding around in the rain with the top...with you..my brown eyed girl" i turned and looked at my girl friend and thought 'a beautiful girl, a nice car. life doesnt get better than this.' and i melted a bit. jusy as i began to melt, she turned to me and yelled "PUT THE TOP ON THE CAR UP. ITS FUCKING RAINING."

A WORD ON TCHOU CHOCOLATE

i'm not saying that it is or that it is not the best chocolate. i am saying that i'm not qualified to judge. for me, delicious has to be sweet. if you love that bitter afterkick, the tchou might very well be incredible. but without sweet, it doesn't do it for me...

BABY WHAT?

what is our responsibility as citizens to report what we suspect of not being human? i couldn't be sure. it could have been a real baby. well, babies are human, right? humans blink. well this little newbie, 3 months in, didn't blink. sure, occasionally it would sneeze or cough and its eyes would close for a quick second--long enough to keep everything hydrated. but it didn't blink, you know that things that eyes do naturally every once in a while. not this one--oh no, trey was just staring up at hell knows what. if you were to ask him what he was looking at, he might turn to you and say, "fuck all." like some creepy commercial that had come to life in your living room. but what if i was wrong and i reported him?

who exactly would i "report" him to? imagine how long that 911 call would last." this is 911. what is your emergency?

"yea. i just saw this baby that i don't think is human. you better send some people over."

"sir, it is against the law to joke on this line.click."

a little philosophy?

as we advance, new pedestals are reached daily. eventually, these pedestals of humanity will be conquered by technology. sickness, even death, will be conquered. men will live far beyond their natural span. computers will run industry and our daily lives, calculating the minutiae of our lives. the computers will be in charge of commerce. economics will be the function of a microchip. but there will always be one thing that redeems the human soul--the arts. sure, the computer can print out a picture of a flower, even sketch it from memory. only the human mind would give this flower the characteristics of the human form. the computer could produce a stale tale--"jack and jill walked up the hill." but it would just be a combination of learned structure--subject, verb, object. only the human mind would describe how your thighs felt as they fought the hill or how jill smelled like a wet tuna sandwich. comedy and tragedy perhaps could be reduced to formulas that the the computer could imitate, but the next step, whatever it is, will be conquered by the human mind....

COLLEGE NOSTALGIA DREAM??

good morning. i just had a weird dream that involved you so i thought i'd share. this was a college nostalgia dream. do you get those? so the setting obviously, is the lovely colonial campus of william and mary. but something is horribly different...the quaint colonial architecture has been replaced by huge gothic structures that reach into the sky. when i meet everybody in the sunken gardens, the castles surrounding the field are huge and i think i can see bats flying around. that is not the only weird change. the campus seems to be infested by small creautures resembling guinea pigs that run around on their hind legs. between these hind legs in a small hole that is very similar to a very tight human female vagina, so the guys are running around, chasing them, picking them up and fucking them--quite ridiculous, sort of a mixture between the keystone cops and caligula. i, however, am with a women--a very cute woman who happens to be an ex of yours. she says to me, "dave tells me you love jon stewart. is that true?" to shut her up, i go down on her....