Thursday, February 12, 2009


i was hanging out on the mall in washington d.c. one cold day. there was a big group of teenagers on skateboards surrounded by dogs, mainly jack russels and scottish terriers. they were making quite the ruckus with the wheels of the skateboards scraping and banging on the bricks, the scotties barking and the jack russels jumping up and down. it was quite ridiculous. i had to stop and watch. when i stopped, two middleschool aged punks approached. the boy had a black leather jacket spray painted blue and yellow and a bunch of facial piercings. the girl was wearing black mens underwear and a long sleeved red shirt. her face was cut up and scarred. they came up to me and said, "you going to the party?"
   "what do you kids know about a party?"
   "this isn't just some party. they're calling it the party to end all parties."
   "yea? where is it at?"
    " jeffries mall in manassas."
    " never heard of it. how do i get there?"
    " you have to take a bus."
     "a bus?"
    " yea, a bus. they're not allowing any cars. you can get a bus over at the washington monument. $5."
    " thanks kids. i might have to check this out."
       so i wandered over to the washington monument. sure enough, there were buses lined up--old school buses, drivers standing by the doors yelling '5 bucks to the party to end all parties' and there were people lining up to get on. so i joined them, paid my 5 bucks and got on. i sat somewhere in the middle of the bus and it took off. someone in the back was blasting zeppelin on a box. "we come from the land of ice and snow from the midnight sun where the hot springs blow." it was about a 45 minute drive down 95 before we got to an exit. from the exit ramp you could see the mall parking lot. there must have been 500 buses parked in with people wandering towards the mall. soon, we were among them. its hard to describe the people getting off the buses. they were dressed either like punk rock jesters or some sort of zombie sheik as they plodded towards the mall entrance. my bus joined the mass plod.
      as we got closer to the entrance we could see the place was packed already and as we entered, we could see that chaos was the rule. it was really loud--not music exactly, but about every 50 yards there was an electric guitar attached to a huge amp, so that any idiot who had ever played guitar hero could pick one up and start strumming or plucking. no one was really talking to each other but there were like 20 hot women dressed in black lingerie with baskets yelling "eat some candy and get in line!" there was a line formed that seemed to be heading toward the center of the mall. in the corners, there were people collapsed in pools of vomit. about every 20 steps, i had to decline the offer of 'candy,' even though i had joined the line and was headed towards the center of the mall. the noise and the smell were overwhelming and people were starting to pass out all around us which actually helped the line move a little faster.
     i could see that we were close to the center of the mall, our apparent destination. the line moved into a high-ceilinged open spaced area. the floor was covered with piles of dead horses, tigers and cows covered with thick layers of blue and yellow liquid plastic. people were vomiting and sliding around and all the guitars were piped into the room to make a horrible cacophonous moan. no one seemed to be panicking. they just grabbed more candy which was available in abundance in baskets scattered across the room. people were collapsing in seizures as the blue and yellow plastic substance dripped from the ceiling. all of a sudden i realized this was jonestown on a grander scale in the guise of a party and i ran. i ran until i reached the highway and then i stuck out my thumb and a kind old truck driver stopped and picked me up. he said, "escaped from the party? good for you son."


Blogger Joan said...


7:56 PM


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